"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."
--Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright