In response to the old adage that age is just a state of mind....tell that to my thighs.
---Blanche, The Golden Girls

On banks and bank tellers:
"Why do they call them tellers? They never tell you anything. They just ask questions. And why do they call it interest? It’s boring. And another thing...how come the Trust department has all of their pens chained to the table.
---Coach, Cheers

"No wonder they call television a medium; it’s so seldom rare or well-done."
---Mighty Mouse, Adv. Of Mighty Mouse

On cooking:
Every time I bake a cake, I leave it in five minutes too long and it burns. So today I put in one cake and I put another in five minutes later. When the first one starts to burn, I’ll know the second one is finished."
---Gracie Allen, George Burns and Gracie Allen Show

On aging:
"What do I do all day? I sit. I walk. Sometimes I lean. What else can I do? Doctors found all this stuff to keep us going for 90 years but we ain’t got nowhere to go.
---Grandpa Larkin, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

Asked if he were a golfer:
"No, I’m afraid I lack the temperament required to chase a little ball over acres of what should be animal pasture."
---Professor Kingsfield, The Paper Chase

On being called lazy by his father:
My father can’t understand why I don’t like work. What’s so hard to understand? some people don’t like artichokes or bow-ties or Wyatt Earp. I mean, this is a free country and we all have the right to dislike something. My choice happens to be work.
---Dobie Gillis, The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
---Banacek, Banacek

"My pappy always said, ‘a coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but one.’ A thousand to one is pretty good odds.
---Bret Maverick, Maverick

"while you were learning to be a professional gunman, I was back East learning Latin. Now if you’d like stand toe-toe- and conjugate verbs, I’m your man.
---Ben Maverick, Maverick

If you speak three languages, you are trilingual. If you speak two languages, you’re bilingual. If you speak only one language, then you’re American.
---Sonny, Sonny Spoon

I love getting mail. Just the fact that someone licked a stamp just for you is very reassuring.
---Thomas Magnum, Magnum P.I.

Harry: You’re sending your mother an empty envelope?
Gracie: I wanted to cheer her up. You know, no news is good news.
----The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show

Captain Kirk: well, there it is-war. We didn’t want it but we got it.
Spock: Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you did not want.
---Star Trek